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September 17, 2006


WazzuWatch.com

"It's like not having Santa Claus one year."

- Stanford season ticket holder, Adrian Springer, bemoaning the commercial aspect of Stanford priority game-ticketing and by being a Stanford season ticket-holder, clearly proving there is also an Easter Bunny and a Tooth Fairy.



"I thought this was all settled in March. I sort of look at the NCAA like an ex-girlfriend trying to come and take the boom box back or something."

- Stanford student Tree mascot Tommy Leep - who, to the Lounge's way of thinking, could not have put it better - remarking about last month's spiteful NCAA stab at the university - fining them for alleged Tree behavior at the women's hoop tournament five months ago and banning the Tree from the 2007 tournament.



"The same white guys show up every year. Bring in some Nigerian master drummers and I'll come see it."

- Musician Henry Rollins, complaining about the homogenization of Lollapalooza these days and forgetting that all the Nigerians are playing football for Stanford now.






The Lounge traveled to Seattle for the Cougar football game because we wanted to see if 41,358 looks the same at Qwest Field as it does in Martin Stadium in Pullman and, well, far be it from us to toss disdain on the annual "home" game in Seattle - but if anybody knocks on your door and asks, tell them that 41k at Qwest Field looks like that Cuban bandleader tuxedo your supposed best friend made you wear at his wedding all those years ago. Yeah, you know the one - sky blue - with matching plastic shoes. That's what 41k at Qwest looks like.


But that's okay, the Lounge came up to Seattle early because we had a batch of free coupons for Starbucks and since they have opened another 619 locations in the past minute and a half, we thought we were sitting pretty until they told us somebody in Atlanta blew it for the rest of us. Great. Now what are we going to do with 1200 scraps of paper and no caffeine? Guess that is where college football and the remote control come in. The Lounge was in mobile mode for much of the weekend - moving from one football game to another. First it was Oregon/Oklahoma, then LSU/Auburn, then Michigan/Notre Dame…oh, that one's over on the second play of the game….back to Oregon…oh, the Ducks look like toast [duck toast - not a pleasant culinary thought]. Back to LSU/Auburn and the Magical Score That Never Changes - it will still be 7-3 in 2018…wait, Oregon did what!? Leave to the Quacks to give Pac-10 refs an offer they couldn't refuse. Then a commercial - the Capital One Mascot Whatchamahooey that has Wazzu mascot, Butch, in it this year. The Lounge has said it before and Father Lotto will say it again - no national collegiate mascot competition of any kind can be complete until it includes, in alphabetical order - the Anteaters from UC-Irvine, the Banana Slugs from UC-Santa Cruz and the Tree from Stanford [even if the NCAA doesn't get its boombox back - they need to get that chip off their shoulders, it's unbecoming]. Until such a time when those mascots are included, it will all be, as Father Lotto says "a sham, a travesty, a sham of a travesty!"

Oh yes, apparently, there was a Cougar football game at Seattle this weekend although we are not sure that is what they are calling it these days. It looked more like pigs wrestling each other in the slop - with seven fumbles and four interceptions. The Cougars were as slow as molasses in the first quarter - perhaps they thought Thanksgiving came early this year with that extra 12th game on the schedule and had extra portions of mashed taters last week so that they moved as fast as Uncle Fred does just after the second helping of pumpkin pie. All the Lounge clientele knows is that Baylor was scurrying around the carpet faster than cock-a-roaches diving under the fridge when you turn the kitchen light on in the morning. The Cougars were trying to stomp them and kept missing and hitting themselves on the furniture. By the time it was all over, visiting hours were over for the Bears and Loren Langley put everybody out of their misery with a 14-inch field goal to clinch the win, 17-15, for the Cougars in what has to go down in WSU lore as one fo the ugliest games in modern history.


"I saw a picture of Michael Jackson without his makeup once - and this game was uglier than that!" says Juggernaught Jones, knowing full well we do not even want to go there.

No matter what Doba says, a win does not get any uglier than that. That was a wretch barely good enough for the gutter. But….and this here is what them Texans call a big ole BUT….the Cougars "finished" and not one syllable of a phrase that shall not be mentioned here - was ever uttered. Not one. Oh yes, the Cougars tried to lose this game, let us not be foolish Jonesy. But the fact is - they did not. Whereas last year, they might have, indeed, probably would have, lost this game. Whether or not that mysterious karma will have a carry-over effect, remains to be seen. But it is certainly better than the alternative.

"What about that Pac-10!? Give it up for West Coast style!!" yells Billy Hill, The Headless Hoarse Man, after the Pac-10 went undefeated - 4-0 - against the Big 12 last week.

Billy, Billy, settle down there, ya toothless wonder. Yes, yes, rumors of the Pac-10's demise appear to be prematurely exaggerated and all that down-home boy stuff you like, but everybody - and we mean everybody West of the Rockies - knows the Big 12 has historically been the nation's most overrated conference since the invention of chewing tobacky. Just like everybody knows the Pac-10 refs are the nation's worst - you got anything to say on that Oregon? Woulda beat 'em anyway, would ya? Okay, we will file that away for next month when, who knows, one turn might deserve another. But as for the Big 12, well, this is just a game of "I -know-you-are-but-what-am-I? If the Pac-10 is supposedly so crappy this year, what does that make the Big 12? You guessed it - Mark Mangino in a Speedo.

"What is going on down in Palo Alto?" asks Lola Peppers, about the next destination of the Cougar football team, with that innocent look in her eye - you know, like the one you get when you watch Old Yeller.

Here is what happened, Lola - they hired Dean Wormer from Animal House to be in charge and he immediately put the kibosh on that renegade band - the best thing to happen to halftime entertainment since, well, ever. No kidding, this is what Dean Wormer, uh, we mean athletic director Bob Bowlsby put them on - "indefinite provisional status", which sounds a lot like "double secret probation" to us - for taking a sledgehammer [don't tell that to Mike Bellotti, he gets to use one at Palo Alto without repercussions] to the band pad, called the Band Shak that band members thought was going to be demolished. ["The Shak was pretty disgusting beforehand," says band assistant manager Adam Cohen. The Band did catch a break though - they were banned from performing at Stanford's first game in their new football stadium - which turned out to be the best news they have received all year. Just to show you how wacky things have been down in the Bay Area, a bizarre article was discovered recently in the San Francisco Chronicle, appearing to select the Trees to, ahem, finish in a surprising location in the conference race this year. Remember, this person gets to vote in the Pac-10 old media poll.


The Stanford administration's creative new usage of "double secret probation" reminded us of a big word - superficial - and that reminded us of super officials, like the kind that the Pac-10 might get one day. But we digressed and went back to thinking of all the ways that Stanford administration officials reminded us of various pillars of the community found on The Superficial. Where else can one watch Jessica Simpson pretend to shop for groceries and Ben Affleck act like a drunken frat boy in heat without feeling like a stalker? It is just as if you were in the high level Stanford executive meeting cataloguing all those bad things the band did - "uh, let's see, Bob, they made fun of the Irish, I know you're okay with that since you're from Iowa, but it made those little Leprechauns mad and you know how they are and then they peed on Husky Stadium once…wait, that's not one of the bad things, never mind… scratch that from the minutes, Joan…".

Finally, the Lounge Scientists in honor of Stanford's version of Dean Wormer and all the Germans that bombed Pearl Harbor, have uncovered that the German World War I fighter ace Manfred von Richtofen aka the Red Baron, was likely inflating his downed aircraft tally - adding easy victories over poorly armed or sitting duck aircraft - with the rest coming by luck.

"It seems that the top aces achieved their victory scores mostly by luck," says Lounge Scientist #80 Vwani Roychowdhury, a scientist at UCLA, who has assured the Lounge that he has not milked his scientific breakthrough totals with discoveries of cheese and pretzels.

If he can discover the secret behind "double secret probation", the Lounge has promised him free 17-minute usage of Stanford's scepter and crown collection when the administration's not using them.




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